This is it. For those of you who don't know, last January (2011), I signed up for a free Christian dating service on a whim following a dating-service oriented dream (don't ask me. My psyche is permanently out to lunch). Almost immediately I met Robert. I wasn't planning on anything serious happening, at least not for a while. I had enough to deal with right now, thank you very much, and the last thing I needed was some sloppy romance to get in the way of my many important responsibilities. I had time for a casual dating relationship and that was all. Period. End of story.
So here I am, a year later, married and 13 weeks pregnant. Someone explain to me how that happened again?
I love Robert, and I love his little boy Alex, and I am supremely happy with them. They are so sweet to me, and try to love me with everything they do.
Try.
Problem is, Alex has ADHD and Robert has the humor of a 12-year-old. When you combine those two factors, the result is a whole lot of "huh, WHAT?" that has to be shared.
Tonight was girl's night---I know, married a week and I already have to have a girl's night. But Robert had a concert to go to, and...well...I didn't want to go. He, his cousin Randy, and Alex had a boy's night instead, and I got to come play with my Jenn and Jeni. One of the things we did was spend some time having Jeni read from www.textsfromlastnight.com, a site that pulls random texts from drunk people and their babysitters and posts them on the internet for all to see.
Genius.
One of the texts struck me, not because it was funny, but because I've actually thought it before. The text was, "I feel like 'Stop licking my face' isn't something that needs to be repeated twice."
Seriously. Not even unusual to think that to myself in my house.
I started thinking, and I realized that there are a lot of things I don't feel I should have to repeat, but constantly do. I think every wife and/or mother has their own list. Mine is, perhaps, a little unique. I felt compelled to share it here.
So, I give you a selection of things I have to repeat on at least a semi-weekly basis.
1. "'You're a stupid jerk' is not an acceptable morning greeting, I don't care how half-asleep you are."
2. "Please stop throwing heavy things on the cat. She only has so much padding."
3. "Just because Dexter does something does not necessarily mean you should do it."
4. "No dear, the word 'butt' in and of itself does not constitute highbrow humor."
5. "Stop trying to rub your dirty socks in my face."
6. "Horking a loogie is NOT an appropriate response to any question, but especially not 'what do you want for dinner.'"
7. "Just because someone laughs awkwardly doesn't mean they agree with you. They're probably just trying to find an escape route."
8. "Alex, you're a very smart and talented boy, but I think your claims that you are a ninja are a little exaggerated...I'm pretty sure one of the ninja requirements is that you don't put your shirt on backwards several times a week."
9. "Why is it the only time you want to stroke my hair is after you've scratched your armpit?"
10. "Could we have a date night without your remote controlled car, please?"
No lie, people. I've said each one of those things at least twice, and I don't feel like they should need to be said at all! However, such is life with these boys who love me. I'm sure they could give you a full and cumulative list of things they are dead sick of hearing me say...the things they listen to anyway.
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